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Do Your Thing to Cool Off
Whatever th e souree of an argu–
ment. once it bcgins pcople can be–
co me extreme ly a ng ry . In an
atmo phere of tension. frustrat ion.
and hurt feelings, fa cts can ge t dis–
torted. and common ense ta lk isn' t
always achievcd. lnstead , evil mo–
tive may be imputed to every sta te–
ment. Words may be seized upon
and taken complete!y out of context.
So if a couplc is obviously heading
in to an argument, it 's best to reduce
th e leve! of thei r emotiona l state be–
fa re they begin.
Each of us has his own particul a r
way to cool o
fr.
Some people like to
go for a wa lk; others migh t want to
cngage in violent sports act ivities
such as ha ndba ll or tenni s. A bath
or saun a can a l o be relaxi ng. But
however yo u do it. cool off!
Once you'vc calmcd down from
your ini tial anger. you may choose
to fo rget the whole thing. lf not. you
are ready to implemcn t rule
~2 .
Argue with the Right Person
This may sound likc a ridiculous
thing to say. After a ll, you might
ask, who el e would I argue with?
Wha t thi rule actually means is
tha t we should a rgue with the per–
son we are rea lly angry with and no t
pick on an innocent party. For in–
stance. if you a re angry with your
boss, don' t take it out on your wife.
lf it's your wife tha t's the problem,
The
PLAIN TRUTH August 1976
don' t takc it out 011 thc kids or the
dog. A defi nite ign th at you' re a r–
guil1g with the wro11g pcrson is
whe11 your a11gcr is all out of pro–
port ia n to the actua l on·ense.
Some psychologis ts refe r to th is
type of a rgui11g
a~
·'dumping" - pil–
il1g your frustra tion , a 11ge rs. and
hos tili tie!> on other . taki11g out your
bu ilt-up wra th 011 i11 11oce11 t pcople.
Childre11 are ortcn the victim in this
ga me o f ' 'dum ping." Th ey are
:,col ded , spa11 ked, o r criti eized.
somet imes because th cir pa re11 ts a re
frus trated with others, not rea lly
with thcm.
Dumping is cruel. ami it allows a
perso11
to escape a co11frontation
wit h the real issuc a t ha11d. Lt re–
sa l ve~
110thing.
RUlE
Argue About the Right Thing
You'd be surpriscd how many argu–
mel1 tS a re started and fought vi–
ciously about the wrong subjects!
Counselors and psychologis ts a re
we ll awa rc tha t thc problcms people
pre ent are 11 01 necessa rily the prob–
lems of prime conce rn to them. The
rea l problems li e undl.!rneath.
Th e sa me goes for ma rr ied
couples. For i11 stance. a husband
may criti cize h is wi fe's house–
kee ping whcn he rea lly may be up–
se t with hcr lovemaking. Or a wifc
may criti cize her husband about a l–
ways bei ng at work. whe11 . in rea lity,
she is hurt bccause she doesn' t t'cel
he gives her enough a ttent ion.
When we a rgue, we need to care–
fu lly examine ourselves to find out
how we fe el and exactly what is the
source of ou r irrita ti on. A hu band
should as k him clf. ''Am
1
really
a11gry with my wife's housekee pi11g?
Is that really the issue? Or could it
be something el e?"
Of course somet ime it is difficult
- humi li ati11 g. embarrassing and
potentia lly hurt ful - for us to share
what ts rea lly troublin g us with our
€
mate~ !
l t
ta ke~
courage
to
open up
~
and rcvca l oursclves! We bccome
~
vuln erable when we shO\\ wha t
t
really hurts U!>. l t could be med
~
aga inst us. Thcrc must be !ove a nd :
trust in th e re la tionship in order to
~
argue about the right thi ng. But it
~
pays big
d ivi tl cnd ~
whcn it is done.
a
Argue at the Right Time
Bringing up a se11si tive subject to
one·s mate no t only requ ircs cou r–
age and
tru ~ t.
but also proper tim–
ing. ln íact. th e choice of the ri ght
time is more important than the
choice of' the right words. lt may
work out fin e if you blurt out from
th e hca rt what 's troubli ng you . in –
stead of kccping it hidd cn. But if
you don't
choo~e
the right time to
bring up a sensitive subj ect. you
may only makc matter worse.
How many times havc couples
begun an argument j ust befare th ey
were supposed to !cave ror a party?
ol only ha' e they damagcd th eir
mar r iage re la ti ons hip . t hcy've
ru ined a good
C\
cni11g
a~
wcll.
When bringing up a sensi tive sub–
ject to your mate one over which
you a re irrila ted and must confron t
him or he r do so a t the right time.
when you ' re both able to cope with
a di scuss ion. Don't bring it up in
fronl of compa ny. And don' t ·bring
it up when you know tha t your time
is too li mited to prope rly discuss it.
Some peop lc play wha t Er ic
Berne in h i!>
book.
The Gam es
Peop!e
Play,
ea lled the "'Swectheart"
game. One mate brings up faults of
the other in fron t of company. He
usua lly doe th i in a way tha t is
qu ite a putdown
to
bis spouse. How–
ever. at th e end of the putdown, he
u ua lly says something like this:
" lsn't tha t right, Sweethcart?" Of
course. the use of th is a tTec tiona te
te rm makes him look good. It also
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