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puts his mate in the awkward pos i–
tion of not being able to say any–
thin g in retaliation. This is a "game"
- but it is not fun or pleasant to
play! Howcver, married couples
sometimes use other names in their
arguments besides "Sweetheart."
RULE
Don't Bring Up Past Fights
Once an argument has taken place.
it ough l to be resolved and buried,
never to be resurrected! However,
some people tend to ''give in ' ' in
order lo end the argument before
lhey a re really sa ti sfied with the out–
come. Because they abandona n ar–
gumen t before il's rea ll y resolved.
they will tcnd lo resurrect that old
a rgument in the context of a new
one. Once again. lhi. is sub tly show–
ing dissalisfaclion with lhe outcome
of pasl arguments. The unsuspect–
ing mate was previously
deceived
in lo thinking evcrything was okay.
Thi s breeds mistru l and lack of
confidence and can on ly damage lhe
marriage relationship.
RULE
Avoid Name-calling
In a "fair fight" bolh pn rti es are
tryi ng lo resolve a conftict in the
besl way possible. Bul in lh e co urse
of an argumcnl, fruslraled and hurt
mates may lash out, and in turn hurt
and frustrate their spouse. And lhey
usually do it through th e medium of
inc,ults or name-call ing.
This form of personal ve rbal as-
18
sa ul t is very destruct ive. First of all.
it lhrows lhe entire argument· off
any logica l track. lnstead of trying
lOse ttl e the problem a t hand, it only
se rves
to
add anot her problem. In–
stead of examining one's own words
and act ions lo see where they migh t
be improved and how they might
contrib_ute to a solution, the party
tha t resorts to name-calling focuses
a ttention on lhe mate and attempts
lo blame him for the problem.
In any case, name-ca lling hurts. lt
hurts the relationship between the
couple.
lt
idestcps lh e real reaso n
for the argument. And it ruins the
mutua l respect that married people
should ha ve for one another.
Avoid "Stamp Saving"
Sometimes we save up grieva nces
like we save trading stamps. Per–
haps we don't immediately say any–
thing to our mate about a particular
problem. But then after weeks or
monlhs when we do have an a rgu–
ment. we unload a ll kinds of things
over which we had hostile fee lings
in the past.
A ma te may be shocked to learn
of little incid ents (maybe not so
little to their spouse) wh ich a re now
being brought up days, weeks, or
even monlhs later during an argu–
ment over something else. The hus–
band or wife may nol even suspect
the Olher spouse felt lhis way because
hi s true feelings weren' t revealed at
the time of the original offense. But
now. s in ce a n argument is in
progress, one mate decides to cash
in
all these "trading stamps" at once.
"Stamp coll ecli ng" breeds a reac–
tion of distrust and lack of con–
fldence. Your ma te may begin to
wonder about everything that hap–
pens from that point on, thinki ng
th oughls like: " He seems okay now,
but will he throw th is up in my face
late r on?"
Your mate may develop an in–
securi ty and a dislrust of you be–
cause of no l knowing whet her ·
bygone incidents may be resu r–
rected in the future.
The cu re for cash ing in slamps is
th is : Either express your displcasu re
about the incidents
at 1he time 1hey
occur
or a t the ea rli est convenierit
time. or make up your mind lo for–
get them forever !
But wha t if you see a recurring
faull and dec ide lhat it needs cor–
rec ti ng? Then bring up that fau lt or
act ion at lhe proper t ime - when il
occurs again. Bul don't bring il up
during an a rgumcnt over something
else.
In Summary
Marital a rguments should a lways be
constructive - beneficia! to a ma r–
ri age . They should enhance each
partne r's understanding of the other
and make for increased ha rmony in
lhe future. They shou ld bring two
people closer tOgelhe r as the prob–
lem is resolved . For each partner
shou ld learn to see things from lhe
other's poinl of view as we ll as from
his own .
As mature partners, each can re–
a lize thal il is poss ible fo r two
human be in gs lO live logether and
ha ve differences, that differences are
no t of themselves wrong or evil , and
th at those diffcrences can be worked
out compatib ly, amicab ly, and
lovingly.
They can learn lhal lhere is abso–
lutely no reason to hide or pretend .
Ra ther bolh part ners can be honest
and aboveboard, in tead ofallowi ng
a wa ll of silence lO come between
them or letting hoslility drive them
apan.
l f you and your mate can discuss
th ese rules togelher and apply them,
you' ll have fewe r marital squabbles.
And you will find lhat your occa–
siona l argumenls don't have to be a
source of major depression, bu t can
instead be a source of profit for bot h
of you anda real benefi t lo the precious
relationship you hope to keep.
D
RECOMMENDED READING
The Intimate Enemy
by George R. Bach
and Peter Wyden. This excellent book
outl ines in more detail how lo fight fairly
in love and marriage (New York: Avon
Books, 1968 , 384 pages, paperback).
The
PLAIN TRUTH August 1976