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become. Struggling togelher aga inst
misfo nun e or to reach common
goab i basic to ma rri age so lidarity.
A survey of 250 happily ma rri ed
wives disclo ed tha t t he over–
whelm ing rep ly
to
th c q ues tio n
"Wha t do you like mos t about your
hu band?"' was '·companionability."
Yet. so often coupl es lack this
solid fee ling that they a re compan–
ions together th roughout li fe .
Remembe r. no two people have
exact ly lh e same like and dislikes.
But lha t is nol necessa rily a handi–
ca p lO a happy ma rri age. Two
people of qui te different nat ures are
ometimes strongly a ttracted to each
olher. Many au lhoriti es say lh ese
comp lemen la ry ma rri ages so me–
limes have even more potenl ia l th an
the carbon-copy pair ings.
T hc solulion once agai n is out–
go ing intere t for one's partner.
Happiness in marriage on this poinl
i de termined by how much two
people a re willing to overlook dif–
fe rences and sl rive to be of onc
mind on a ll ma llers.
" lf two pcople start ou t wi lh tre–
mcndous diffe rences and resolve
thcm over a lifctime of livi ng lo–
gether. thcy havc a strength insid e
each of them and between them
that nothing can lake away:' wrotc
one ma rriagc counse lor.
T here are two more ki nds of in–
compa ti bili ty mo l oflen mentioned
in the d ivorcc courts: sexual in–
compatibilily and fi nancia! in–
compalibili ty. Lct's now lake a close
look at how lo ovcrcome them.
111. Devel op Sexual Compatibility
Thcrc is no end to thc publishing of
books aboul
~ex
from the ex–
crucia tingly factual manuals
LO
thc
lOrridty unfactual best-scllcr nove ls.
Ma rriage manua ls. ex stud ics,
and do- it-your elf divorce guides
have. as usual. lopped the recenl
be t-selle r list.
Uncouplinf?,
promised
usa civi lizcd no-fault di vo rce, whilc
The Intima/e Enemy
providcd a son
ofGcneva Convention for
tho~e
who
dccided lo lighl it out toge lher.
Meanwhile. thc ubiq uitous sex ma n–
uals - both popular and porno–
graphic - lold you cverythi ng you
never wan ted to know about sex
and did n't th ink to ask.
They all sold we ll. duc to the dis–
ma l sta te of bcd and board in Amer-
26
ica. but many of these volumcs
merely aggrava tcd th e mari ta l woes
which they were urging us to escape.
About half of the 45 mi llion ma r–
r ied cou pies in th e
U
.S., it is
cl aimed , are "sexua lly incompa ti ble
to some degree." [t is "thc great
ca use fo r divo rce in lhis country."
according lo the now-famous re–
search team of Mas ters and John–
son. Others es tíma te three fourths of
all married couples are sexually
troubled. wi th only a bout
10
percent
of th ese due to phys ical ma lfunc–
tions.
But a ren' t a ll those " Jove guides"
he lping these couples out of their
ignorance? Not necessarily so.
Dr. Stephen Ne iger, execu ti ve di–
rector of the Sex Information and
Education Co u ncil of Ca nada
(S l ECCAN) . said. "Most of the
trou bled coupies who come to see
me for coun eling have read three
or four books on how to make !ove,
and have been so damaged by them
tha t they' re forced to eek profes–
siona l he lp"! He found that
9
out of
10
books on lovcmaking were "gar–
bagc .. . misleadi ng info rma lion
so ld in the gui se of au thorita tive
kn owledgc."
Dr. Pau t Popcnoe. general direc–
tor of the Amer ica n lnsti lule for
Fam ily Rela tions in Los Angeles,
agrccs wit h this ana lysis . He ex–
plains that much scx literalurc '·may
be usclcss or harmful for one of four
reasons : (
l )
Some of it dea ls o
la rgcly wi th abnormalities and per–
versions tha t it confuses thc average
you ng person.
(2)
Some of it is so
vague and genera l that it i no t a p–
pli cab lc. (3) Some of it is what
might be ca tled mechani. tic ... and
(4) some of it is what might be
ca ll ed pcrfecl ionist.
Lt
se ts up asta n–
da rd whi ch few wi ll need lOa tta in."
Th is by no means condcmns
propcr knowledge about sex. The
Victoria n Age shrouded our great–
grandparents in igno rance. And Íl
wasn't bliss! But on the othe r hand,
the pcnd ulum has over-swung to the
point where voluminous physical
ex knowledge is publ ished without
th c a ll-importan t missing dimen–
sion.
Couples go into ma rr iage believ–
ing scx is the elixir of lifc, balm fo r
a ll ills. fo untain of youth. the be-all
and cnd-all of marriage. But it oftcn
doesn 't work out as the manua ls say
it should.
What is wrong? lt usually in–
volvcs the missi ng ingredient in ex
- an ou tgoing concern fo r your
mate. Scx is mere ly the height of
physical communica tion and com–
panionship shared in the supreme
expression of that !ove.
Marita l sex matures as the couple
increase in true love for each other.
In fact. a
Juljilling
sex ua l rela tion–
sh ip is imposs ible apa rt from an
ow–
going,
physical expression of Jove -
no t a selfi sh expression of lust.
IV. Achieve Financia! Compatibility
Financia ! problems in marriage a re
really only an effect of husbands
and wives not communicating
(point one). Finances are ci ted as a
major cause of divorce, bu t they are
only an effect of the other problems
listed above. Many people live ha p–
pi ly on a sma ll salary when they
communica te and make a coope ra–
tive effort . Financia! arguments a re
usually based on borne government
- "How much credit?" and "Who
conlrols the money?" Often both
partners want control, or perhaps
neither does .
Expert cite fina nccs as one of the
major problem arcas in many ma r–
riages . A
Redbook
survey found lhat
" nea rly
60
percent qua rrel about
moncy.'' The Donelsons. a husband–
wife team of marita l lawyers. wrote.
"... husbands and wives fight over
lOO much just as frcquenl ly as they
do over too li ttle' '
(Married Today.
Single Tomorroll'.
pp.
10- 11 ).
In
other words. they d isagree ove r how
the money is to be uscd.
Lewis M. Terman. in his vol–
uminous research of marital condi–
tions. Ji ted ' ·money ma tters" in the
top posi ti on of husband-wife com–
plain ts. Dr. Popenoc, d irector of the
American lnstitutc for Fami ly Rela–
tions for over 45 ycars, clarified this
point in a
Plain
Tnah
in tcrview:
·'Most of the o-called cause of d i–
vorce are actua lly ·ymptoms rather
than causes. Financia ! difficu lties
are vcry common. but people don'l
break up from thcse difficulties if
they' re happily married. Few people
are rea lly happ.ily rna rried if they
quarrel over finances rathc r than
simply worki ng thc prob lem out to–
gethcr."
The
PLAIN TRUTH
June
1976