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WORDS THAT HURT
WORDS THAT HELP
by
Donald D. Schroeder
Careless words and statements do enormous damage. They need
to be rooted out of our vocabulary.
W
HAT's
the matter
with you?" "How
many times do 1
have to tell you ... ?" "The
trouble with you is ... !"
"How dumb can you be?!"
"Can
't
you ever do anything
right?" "You
always
do
that!" "You
never
... !"
How often do we hear per–
sons demeaned-bel
i
ttled- by
such careless and harmful state–
ments?
Or by these:
" If you're so smar t. ..." "AII
you ever do is ... !" "Why can't
you be like ... ?" "You look like
a.... " "You'd forget your ... if it
wasn' t ... !"
These and many similar put–
downs seem automatically to pop
out of many persons' mouths- per–
haps yours-in sorne frustrating
moment or difficulty with others.
Sarcasm, name-calling , put–
downs, accusations, sweeping nega–
tive overstatements are all too com–
mon . Others do it. Perhaps we
learned todo it too. Maybe they are
such a habit, we don't even realize
their harmful impact.
When such words are spoken to
us, do we feel good or uplifted? Of
course not! They are not words spo–
ken in the spirit of true love- that
is, in a way that is constructive anrl
helpful.
What we're really saying is: " 1
don' t respect you.
I
don't care for
your feelings as a person. You' re
December 1981
below me!" The attitude behind
put-down, belittling words is
human pride. 'It's human self-exal–
tation! lt's really an attitude sub–
tly implanted in us as a result of
Satan's bombardment upon hu–
man minds (Eph. 2:2-3 )- or
learned from others so affected.
Cutting, belittling words and
phrases need to be rooted out of
our lives. Repeated often enough,
demeaning put-downs get through
the toughest skin and cause any–
thing from a distorted sense of
shame to blind rage. Or mental
depression, mental illness or sui–
cide. " Death and life are in the
power of the tongue," warns scrip–
ture (Prov. 18:21) .
Parents to Ch lldren
Children too frequently bear the
brunt of put-down statements or
demeaning words from parents or
others. Such words turn sorne
youths into totally crushed, inward–
looking, futilized persons. They
feel worthless.
Other youths try to protect their
tender egos from the hurts of such
statements by hardening altitudes
of disrespect to adults or shouting
more demeaning insults to other
chi ldren. The vicious cycle prolifer–
ates.
The habit of saying, "You
a/ways
do something wrong!" or
" You' ll
never
learn!" can turn an
able, talented child into a youth or
adult of stunted intelligence and
achievement; an individual with lit–
tle confidence.
Dr. Selma Fraiber in her book
The Magic Years
says, "A chi ld
needs to feel our disapproval at
times, but if our reaction is of
such strength that the child feel s
worthless and despised for his
offense, we have abused our
powers as parents and have
created the possibility that exag–
gerated gui lt feeli ngs and self–
hatred will play a part in this
child's personality development."
Wo rds That He l p
In your next aggravating situation,
instead of spurting out a harsh, cut–
ting or demeaning response to
someone, put a _governor on your
mouth. lnstead say: " Piease...."
" Piease hold the door wider .
... Please be neater.. .. Please be
more careful. .. . Please let me
show you."
Please
is a word that helps us
show respect.
lt
puts our minds in a
more constructive frame. We deal
with others in a more positive and
beneficia! way.
Maybe a child accidentally
knocks over a glass of sorne drink
(and who hasn' t ?). An uncaring
person might respond: "You care–
less kid. Watch what you're doing!"
What 's so damaging about such a
statement is that we are
branding
a
child with a characteristic (care–
lesspess) that may not be true at
all. Maybe the parents have failed
to set the table properly for chi l–
dren, or have failed to train the
child to be more careful.
How much more helpful to
quietly say in such a situation ,
"Now go get a sponge and clean it
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