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WHAT
DOESIT
MEAN
TO
TURN
1HE
OTHER
CHEEK?
Can a Christian stand up for
his rights? Can he defend him–
selfverbaHy? Can
he
be
assertive?
Or should he always
11
turn the
other cheek "? Here is what the
Bible reaOy says about assertive
behavior.
by
David
L.
Antion
P
hyllis is twenty pounds over–
weight and painfully aware of
All night long her husband has
been making joking remarks to
other partygoers about what she
and the Goodyear blimp have in
common. His remarks hurt her
deeply, and she feels like crying in–
side. But on the outside she laughs
at his gibes along with everyone
else. After al!, he is only being
clever, and she is getting a bit tubby,
isn't she?
On the way borne she develops a
splitting headache, takes two aspirin
and goes to bed without giving him
so much as a good-night kiss. In the
moming she pretends to sleep in,
and he goes to work without "wak-
14
ing" her. She spends the day under
a cloud of depression, cleaning out
the refrigerator for consolation.
A Common Experience
Like Phyllis, a lot of us suffer humil–
iating experiences which hurt us
deeply and perhaps leave per–
manent scars. There are few of us
who haven't come away from a situ–
ation wishing we had stood up for
our rights- told people that they
couldn't walk all over us like that.
But we didn' t. Instead we walked
away feeling aggravated, resentful,
angry or perhaps more than a little
depressed.
Many of us lack the nerve to say
no to door-to-door salesmen, out-of–
line neighbors who ask to borrow
prized possessions, or friends who
offer us responsibilities in local
clubs when we're already over–
committed. We might have trouble
telling someone to roll up the car
window when our sinuses are ach–
ing, or even asking for somebody at
the other end of the table to pass the
butter.
And a lot of times we're trapped
because of this, caught up in a situ–
ation of somebody else's devising.
Because we're forced to act against
our will, we feel a great deal of
anger and resentment. But again,
we're very hesitant to express it, so it
comes out as a feeling of hopeless–
ness and helplessness, anger or de–
pression.
Sorne women especially feel that
they bave no rights. Having been
indoctrinated with the idea that
they must at al! costs please· every–
one-husband, chi ldren, parents,
mother-in-law, next-door neighbor
and the entirety of the local PTA–
they feel bombarded with conflict–
ing demands that can't possibly be
reconciled or fulfilled . They feel that ·
they are helpless pawns-nonper–
sons who don't have· the right to say
what
they
want to do in a given
situation.
But lsn't Martyrdom Christian?
But you might wonder, " Isn't that a
truly Christian way to behave? After
all, aren't we supposed to tum the
other cheek, suffer and take wrong,
let people walk al! over us?" Let's
examine this question in detail.
There are three basic styles of
behavior, which experts have classi–
fied as
passive, aggressive
and
asser–
tive.
When Phyllis allowed her hus–
band to make cutting remarks with–
out speaking up
in
her own defense,
she was behaving
passivery-allow–
ing another to take away her rights
by default. Social scientists have
found that chronic passive behavior
begets all kinds of emotional diffi–
culties, and leads to generally poor
mental health.
Had she behaved
aggressivery,
she
might have tumed the evening into
something of a "who's-afraid-of–
Virginia Woolf' situation, letting
others at the party know in a subtle
or not-so-subtle way that her hus–
band was no prize either-that he let
an important dea1 slip through bis
fingers last week, that he can't bowl
worth a hoot, and besides, he 's not
all that great a lover. She would
return measure for measure and
then sorne, making the poor fellow
wish he'd never bothered to crawl
out from under his rock and show
his face.
Sometimes a person who's been
passive in a certain situation wilJ
finally "blow his cork"- he's taken
all he can take, and now hes going
to let them have it. And he behaves
in an aggressive manner, stomping
all over other people's rights in
vengeful retaliation.
Aggressive behavior is not gener–
ally socially acceptable. Nor is it
usually Christian. "Returning evil
for evil" is negative, impolite and
hurtful, and those who behave ag–
gressively as a matter of course can–
not be classified as truly mentaliy
healthy, either.
The third and most attractive
forro of behavior is
assertiveness.
Had Phyllis behaved assertively she
might have remained silent at the
party. But on the way home, or per–
haps even the next night after her
husband had returned from work
and had time to relax, she would
have approached him in a kind but
firm manner. She would have said
she accepts his wish that she lose
The
PLAIN TRUTH January 1978