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glass of milk, he will be repri–
manded, whereas if he obeys a par–
ent's command to "Come here!" he
will receive approvaJ. The child
begins to lcarn to make choices.
3) At the third level, the maturing
child begins to
adopt someone else's
values.
He (or she) identifies with
another person, be it a parent, play–
mate or television image. He now
develops an interna! orientation
toward moral judgments. He does
what he sees his role models do.
1 t is at this stage that parents are
often shocked to find that their child
has picked up sorne of their
own bad habits! " He's just
imitating you!" one parent
will tell another.
self for sorne infraction : "No,
breaking toys is bad!" The child
may even imitate his parent's tone
ofvoice!
Authori ties have dctermined that
the process of internalization is
usual/y complete by the time the
child is between 4 and 5 years of
age.
Yet how many parents fail to
train their very you ng c hildren
because they believe that children
can't unders ta nd until they are
much older? How many leave the
teaching of their children to teach-
Children this age are building the
foundation of their character for life,
and it is the parents' duty to properly
supervise that construction.
Wiser observers offer better
advice about guiding children:
"Children want values," says Caro!
Gardner Silverman. " It is a disad–
vantage for kids to grow up without
them. We can be aware of the fact
that dishonesty exists and at the
same time rccognize tbat it is
unhealthy to encourage children to
give in to it."
Example of Extreme
Importance
Many authorities believe
that the single most
important factor in im–
parting moral values to
childrcn is the example of
parents. What does the
child see the parent do in
public? In prívate?
Does the parent exceed
the speed limit when the
signs clearly state the
speed limit? Does the
unoccupied parent avoid
undesirable social engage–
ments by saying he or she
is "too busy"? Does the
parent lie on his or her
income-tax return?
1 know an excellent ele–
mentary-school teacher
who to this day fondly
remembers the example
4) At the fo urth leve! ,
the maturing boy or girl
makes his or her own deci–
sions.
The young person
becomes more or less inde–
pendent in his j udgments,
especially of Mom and
Dad. He comes, for exam–
ple, to believe that his par–
ents are wrong when they
drink to excess or smoke,
and he decides that he will
not do so. Or he may
decide under peer pressure
to smoke experimentally
even if his parents don't.
He ¡¡ow charts his own
direction in life, building
on the foundation of pre–
vious tcaching, condition–
ing and of personal obser-
vations.
The goal, then, of a con–
cerned parent is to help the
chi ld develop, beginning
with the earliest years, a
The bank teller who cashed my
check had given me $150 too
much. She stared at me incredulously
and said, "Most
of her mother, who found
a nickel on the sidewalk
and t r ied to find out to
whom it belonged.
After an article 1 wrote
on emotional maturity
appeared in this maga–
zine, 1 received a letter
right interna! moral orien-
tation based on pr incipies
and values that will hold
him in the best stead throughout
life.
Even the Bible echoes this senti–
ment in the proverb that urges,
"Train up a child in the way he
should go, and even when he is old,
he will not depart from it" ( Prov.
22:6, J ewish Publication Society
translation).
The child, in short , must develop
an educated conscience. As author
Adrienne Popper states, the young
child internalizes the parent's cau–
tionary voice. Typically, a parent
will overhear a youngster scold him-
June
1984
people would have just kept it."
ers when they start school?
By the t ime a child starts school,
his attitude toward authority, his
leve! of ambition, his understand–
ing of right and wrong and even the
ability to learn are, to a great
degree, already set!
Yet sorne psychologists wi11 tell
you that it is perfectly natural for a
young child to lie---for instance, to
avoid punishment after breaking a
lamp. T hese misguided authorities
wi ll tell you that you should not wor–
ry about dishonest behavior in 3- or
4-year-olds. They are wrong.
from a woman who told
me: "1 need to reread this article
over many times, then maybe 1 will
begin to overcome my bad habits
that 1 have developed over th'e past
years, especially in regard to my
husband and chi ldren. The troublc
is that 1 see the children have
picked up those same bad habits!"
Indeed, the statement "Do as 1
say, not as 1 do" is inetfective in
inculcating honesty and other val–
ues into children' s morals.
Practica! Tips for Teaching Honesty
What can parcnts and teachers do
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