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Many children feel angry. Young
children may throw temper tan–
trums while older teens may scold or
criticize one or both parents for
destroying their family unit.
All children caught up in their
parents' divorce suffer an enormous
loss of self-esteem. The rejection
they feel is both profound and last–
ing. Unchecked, these feel ings of
rejection can severely handicap chil–
dren of divorce in present and future
relationships.
Such childhood experiences are
documented in an American study
published in 1980 entitled
Surviving
the Breakup: How Children and
Parents Cope With Divorce
by Drs.
J udith Wallerstein and Joan Berlín
Kelly. T his is a Jandmark study
available at many public libraries in
North America-and well worth the
time invested in reading it.
The Church of England's Chil–
dren's Society also published (in
June 1983) a significant study on
this subject entitled
Children oj
Divorce: The Report ofan Ecumen–
ica/ Working Party on the Effects of
Divorce on Chi/dren.
According to
this study, "Divorce may affect chil–
dren detrimentally in the long term,
and probably does so to a greater
extent than is commonly realized."
How Childre n Are Affected
One area in which children are
readily affected is in that of aca–
demic performance. In a study by
the U.S. Department of Educa–
tion's Office of Planning and Eval–
uation, it was found that the posi–
tive and negative influences of
home life have a direct bearing on
one's academic performance.
In this study, children who lived
in a two-parent family in which the
mother did not work outside the
home scored the highest average of
any group on an achievement test.
Conversely, children from sin–
gle-parent families where the
mother worked full time outside
the home scored the Jowest.
The difference between these
two groups was threefold: the
amount of stress the children were
under, the security of having a
mother there when the need arase,
and the blessing of living in a two–
parent family where a father was
earning the living.
There are effects that may go
January
1984
unnoticed, however. Dr. Marshall
D. Schecter, professor and director
of the Division of Child and Ado–
lescent Psychiatry at the University
of Pennsylvania, has dealt with
these problems for 35 years.
The divorce of loved parents,
reports Dr. Schecter, can cloud a
child's or a young adult's outlook
on marriage. In the back of their
minds, many children of divorce
wonder whether their future or
present marriage will fall apart just
as Morn 's and Dad's did.
Many have concluded that the
children of divorce have a higher
rate of divorce than those who have
not had divorce in their back–
ground. But, hard data are unavail–
able to confirrn what professionals
who have studied the effects of
divorce suspect.
If
these educated
guesses are true, then someone who
grew up in a broken borne, married,
had children and later divorced,
could well have set in motion
divorce as a farnily way of life for
his or her own children.
Can divorce becorne literally a
way of life? For millions it has!
What Parents Can Do
If you are a divorced parent and
want to give your children the best
possible chance under the circum–
stances, here are sorne things to
consider.
For your children's sake, don' t
follow the crowd. Many authorities
estímate thal 80 percent of pre–
school children receive no explana–
tion at all of their parents' divorce.
Though your mutual partnersh ip
has ended witb your mate, your
parental responsibilities have not.
Both parents should explain this to
their children.
Your children
need
to know–
and be shown-:-that they are loved
and wanted. They need to know
that
both
of you are concerned
about their welfare.
Make sure your children under–
stand that they are not to blarne for
your divorce. Reaffirrn this, rnany
times, since they need that rein–
forcement. Tell your children that
you know they are hurting. Get
thern to talk about it. If you have
srnall children, spend more time
with thern, hold thern and reassure
thern. They desperately need your
time and concern at this juncture.
Don't rnake negative comrnents
about your former mate in f ront of
your children. And don't turn your
children into messengers or spies.
This only adds to their hurt and
divided Joyalties. As one 13-year–
old boy put it, "My father has to
understand that when he shoots
arrows at my mother, they have to
go through our bodies before they
reach her."
Try to minirnize the changes in
your life until you and your chil–
dren can adjust to the situation of
being in a single-parent farnily.
Be dependable. How rnany times
have children eagerly awaited the
arrival of a parent on visiting day or
sorne important funct ion only to be
di sappointed when that parent
doesn't show up or is late. Usually,
the visit is cut short and no expla–
nation is given-soon none will be
asked for.
Don't try to buy your children's
affection. T hey don't need or want
armloads of toys, nor do they have
to constantly go to sorne recreation
center in order to enjoy time with
you. Children want your !ove, con–
cern and affection.
Ifyou are the parent with custody,
do not deliberately cut your forrner
mate or grandparents and relatives
off from your children.
lt
is impor–
tant for children to know their roots.
Children who have access to rela–
tives on both sides of the family have
an easier time adjusting to Ji fe in the
single-parent farnily.
Get with your ex-spouse and work
out sorne ground rules you can both
agree to in arder to avoid conflicts
that can arise during visits.
If
you have custody, and the
other parent has sirnply fled or his
or her whereabouts are unknown ,
consider moving closer to your rela–
tives. Children need role rnodels,
and in rnost cases, your farnily can
help ease the void of an absent par–
ent for your children . But, remem–
ber, though you rnay be living near
or with your family, they are
your
children, not your relatives' .
Don't forget that your children
still need discipline. After they've
been emotionally hurt by divorce,
they especially need a routine and
guidelines.
As Maria l saacs, director of the
Farnilies of Divorce Project at the
Philadelphia Child Guidance Clinic,
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