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his in-laws, and difficulties re–
lating to his boss and holding down
a job. All of these factors contribute
to the family's moving often. and
this also tends to alienate the family
from the rest of the world. With no
family or friends to actas stabilizing
influences. the situation is even
more volatile.
Such messed-up family patterns
tend to repeatthemselves genera tion
after generation- those who don ' t
know how to parent can't pass the
information on to their kids. And the
poisonous pattern of family over–
dependency- the inabi lity to mature
into whole. independent persons who
can meet theirown needs- is repeated
over and over again.
It
has been
demonstra ted that violence begets
violence. Many violen! criminals and
assassins were abused as children.
Arthur Bremer. would-be assassin of
Governor George Wallace, is a dra–
matic case in point.
Nonvlolent Chlld Rearing
A society that begets violence must
be cha nged. A system that accords
no rights to abused children is abso–
lutely crimina l. Of course children
should "honor their parents." But
inhe rent in that principie is the re–
sponsibility of those parents to be–
have honorably, in a kind and
nurturing manner. And though cor–
poral punishment may be necessary
under certain circumstances, there
a re often more effective ways of set–
tling pa rent-child disputes and
training children to behave. lf these
alternative methods were habitually
exhausted befare corporal punish–
ment was turned to as a last resort ,
there would probably be very little
need for " the board." Authority in
the home should mean loving teach–
ing and guidance. tempered with
wisdom, kindness. and a wi llingness
to sacri fice one's comfort and conve–
nience for the sake of those young
individua ls one took the responsi–
bility of bringing into the world ,
ra ther than authoritarian giving of
orders followed by stern punish–
ment for the slightest infraction.
Where the emphasis is primarily
on mere obedience rather than com–
munication and cooperation, the si t–
ua tion is ripe for violence. In
Germany. for example, "a national
poli conducted by the Bielefe lder
The
PLAIN TRUTH August 1978
Emnid Institute in Bonn showed
that 72 percent of Germans inter–
viewed felt obedience and respect
for a rder to be the most important
principies for child rea ring. This
emphasis on strict obedience to au–
thority is considered by sorne to be
the reason for Germany 's having
the highest rate of child abuse in
Europe" (George M. Anderson,
"Child Abuse,"
America,
May 28,
1977,
p.
481).
Knowledgeable child rearing ex–
perts suggest that many if not most
family conflicts can be solved
through effective communication
rather than authori ta ria n inter–
vention. One highly effect ive and
preven approach is summarized in
the book
Parent EJ!ectiveness Train–
ing
by Thomas Gordon.
Changlng Our Ways
Our entire society must be changed
to get at sorne of the factors contrib–
uting to cbild abuse such as poverty,
joblessness, and lack of adequate
housing. Family patterns that foster
dependency and immaturity must
be changed through education and
therapy. And societal approval of
the unfairness, cruelty and actual
violence that pass for "parental pre–
rogatives" has got to go. A society
that tacitly approves such abuse is
sick to the core and desperately in
need of self-awareness, reeducation,
and healing.
More than tha t, individuals them–
selves must recognize the ugliness of
chi ld abuse in their own lives. Out–
and-out child beaters who recognize
their problem can be helped. There
is an organization patte rned a long
the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous
designed to meet thei r needs. Called
Parents Anonymous, it was begun
in 1970 by a woman in California
who had abused her own chi ld and
was unable to find help. There are
branches all across the United
States. At Parents Anonymo us
meetings, parents are able to discuss
their problems in a supportive, un–
derstanding, confidential atmo–
sphere with others who have been
through the same struggle. Child
abusers don't need punishing; they
have had enough in their own lives
already. What they do need is the
help and support such an organiza–
tion can provide.
But there are other more subtle
forros of child abuse that take place
in so-called happy, loving bornes.
Parents who think they couldn' t
possibly be abusing their children
need to pender the fact that physi–
cal violence isn't the only way to
cause damage. "Sticks and stones
may break my bones, but words can
never hurt me" is a rhyme children
use to cover up the fact that words
can
hurt very deeply. Verbal abuse,
or even a lack of nurturing, support ,
cuddling. and physically expressed
affection can be just as damaging as
an outright beating.
Kids can be programmed to fail ,
even to die, by exposure to emo–
tional neglect. A lack of affection,
touching and eye contact can be
deadly. Emotional uninvolvement
on the part of even one parent can
scar a chi td for life. "Workaholic"
fathers who don't interact with their
children, mothers who have their
own emotional problems and can't
give thei r kids what they need, self–
ish pa rents with a "send-'em-off-to–
boarding-school" at titude- all con–
tribute to stunted growth, not just
emotionally but physically.
Everybody needs love. A classic
study showed that babies in an or–
phanage who were given optimum
pbysical care but no love. cuddling,
and positive human interaction al!
invariably lost weight. sickened. and
died. Th is " failure-to-thrive" syn–
drome is seen in varying degrees in
families where !ove and affection
are missing.
By withho tding love and affection
from our children, we are teaching
them to grow up ignoring their hun–
ger for the care and concern of
others. We are programming them
not to fulfill th e ir basic human
needs; to grow up partially twisted
a nd unable to reach their full
human potential.
1t
will take al! of us to conquer
child abuse. especially in its more
subt le forms.
It
must begin in our
bornes, right now, befare it's too late
to program the next generation to
!ove. But if we can build a safe,
healthy, fear-free atmosphere into
our family lives-if we as parents
can really turn our hearts toward
our children- we can have a part in
building the kind of society in which
child abuse no longer exists.
O
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