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THERAPYFOR
AILINGMARRIAGES
When two unique individuals live in the same house and share the same bedroom, sooner or later
there's going to be friction. When the big blowup comes, wi/1 those two people be able to communicate
weHenough to iron things out? Or wi/1 they be ab/e to communicate at al/? One of the major causes of
marital breakdown is the fai/ure to communicate effectively. This article wi/1 show how to do it we/1
enough to avoidfamily arguments and successfully go about marital détente.
I
n this iconoclastic age when many
things are being questioned and
very little appears to be sacred,
even the time-honored institution of
marriage is falling on hard times.
What was formerly considered the
basic building block of any stable
society is now seriously threatened
in many quarters. A number of psy–
chologists have suggested that mar–
riage might soon be obsolete.
The symptoms of marita l misery
are everywhere present in modern
society. What has caused the erosion
of the marriage institution in mod–
ern times? Why do marriages often
fail to endure?
The major cause of marital break–
down seems to be the failure to
communicate effectively and prop–
erly. Somehow couples lose the abil–
ity to converse after the initial
novelty of marriage wears off. Com–
munication is often reduced to such
profundities as "Pass the sa lt ,
please," or "What's on TV tonight?"
The " Pass-the-Salt" Syndrome
Many marriages suffer from this
massive communications break–
down. To illustrate, let's take a look
at Joe and Marge, an average non–
communicating couple. lt 's the be–
gi nning of a typical day. They
stagger bleary-eyed to the breakfast
table and take their positions be–
hind the morning paper. Although
Joe looks calm on the surface, he's
inwardly seething. Marge has for–
gotten to pick up bis good suits at
the cleaners, and now it's too late.
He'll have to entertain an importan!
client
in
a sport jacket with a gravy
20
by
Brian Knowles
sta in. But he doesn't say anything to
Marge-he doesn't really want to
talk to her anyway. She had one of
her convenient headaches again last
night- he's sti ll smarting from the
rejection but he doesn't know bow
to bring it up without starting a
marathon battle that wi ll make him
late for work. So he focuses his in–
terest on the sports page.
An occasional mumble or grunt
finds its way a round or over the
newspaper. Every so often a whole
phrase or sentence shatters the si–
lence. Marge is hiding herself be–
hind the women's section. She, too,
has a bone to pick. Joe has come
home late three nights in a row
without an explanation. She knows
he's got sorne terribly important
job-related problems on his mind,
but instead of letting her in on
what's happening he talks it over
with his drinking buddies on the
way home. She resents the way he
takes her for granted- expecting her
to keep the borne front running
smoothly while he ignores her ex–
cept when it's time for bed. She feels
a small pang of guilt when she sees
his sloppy jacket, but it's soon re–
placed by a wicked inner glow of
satisfaction- at least he can't take
her for granted
this
morning.
After breakfast, Joe heads out the
door oblivious to his wife's thoughts.
She gives him a perfunctory peck on
the check as he rushes off to fight
the morning traffic.
That evening Joe returns borne
late again, exhausted from the day's
pressures and the nerve-racking
rush-hour traffic. He heads for his
favorite chair and ftips on the TV.
He doesn't feel much like talking as
he clutches another cold beer and
glues his eyes to the news. Then
Marge serves dinner and the "pass–
the-salt" syndrome again appears.
Marge would like to unload on Joe,
but he really doesn't want to hear it
and irritatedly says so. After dinner
he collapses in front of the TV,
whi le Marge cleans up the dinner
dishes. Later she silently joins him
before the one-eyed monster.
Things are quiet, even peaceful, but
their marriage is not happy.
How can Joe and Marge break
out of this rut? Are they trapped
forever in a lifeless relationship that
only divorce can remedy? Or are
there ways to get their resentments
and needs out in the open so they
can be worked on? Can they discuss
their mutual desires without getting
into a hass le or free-for-all?
There
are
ways to communicate
without tears, to discuss problems
without throwing dishes.
How To Resolve Family Dlfferences
ldeally, the longer two people are
married the more they should learn
to be in harmony with each other's
specia l needs and desires. But when
differences do arise, how they're
handled can have a big effect on th e
marriage relationship.
Especiallyduring the first fewyears
ofmarr iage, most couples will proba–
bly havetodoa lotofadjustingtoeach
other's ways and habits. Things such
as how he likes his eggs done or who
gets first crack at the morning paper
may Ioom large at first.
The
PLAIN TRUTH June/ July 1978