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the chi ld know that as a parent, you
are really pleased with his accom–
plishments.
Dr. Dobson condemns permis–
siveness as a disaster and advises
parentS to establish in advance ab–
solute boundaries for their child's
conduct. They must not be wishy–
washy about what children may o r
may no t do.
This is mo re importan! than most
parents realize. When a child aware
of his bounda ries does something
punishable - whether he has been
overtly selfish, deliberately offensive
to o thers or openly rebeltious to
mom a nd dad - he will actually
expect his parents to respond. And,
indeed. parents should respond with
punishment tha t is "sufficient to the
crin1e."
The Ideal
But walking the tightrope be–
tween your own ange r and adminis–
tering the right a mount of disciplin e
is a tricky business. Proper dis–
cipline, after all. is some thing you
do
fo r
a child, not just
to
him. Re–
member the quo te from Proverbs
13:24: " He who spares the rod bates
his son, but he who !oves him
is
diligen l lO d iscipline him" (RSV).
Discipline should be a positive act
- no t mere ly a nega tive one. Par–
ents who consta ntly badger o r in–
timida te their children usua lly a re
irrita ted about something else en–
tirely, a nd th e child becomes the
mos t conveni ent obj ect on which to
vent a nger.
Fo r mos t pa rents, criticizing o r
spa nking becomes a form of per–
sonal lhera py and is of little he lp to
the child. Wha t should be a positive,
loving rela tionship becomes hostile.
The child may be obed ient, but the
mo tiva ti on is through fear o f pro–
voking his parents into ano ther yell–
ing, span king o r face-s lapping
session. No child can equa te this
kind of punishment with a cons truc–
tive lea rning process. Cha nces a re
the child will re turn the same hos til–
ity when he is o lder.
On lh e other ha nd, sorne parents,
wanting lh e best fo r their child . a re
10
so over-pro tective and dominating
that they stifle all initiative. They
insist on constantly directing and
controlling the child 's every aclivity
- literally running his or her life
around the d ock, refusing to allow
the child enough freedom to react as
a normal human being.
Ideal parental discipline springs
neither from hostility no r the need
to domína te, but from lhe fact that
the parent feels absolutely sure o f
what constitutes correct beha vior.
And the pa rent. in a loving and pos–
itive way. is teaching th e child to
understanj and confo rm to lhese
values.
Corporal Punishment?
As everyone knows. there inev ita–
bly come times whe n even the best
children refuse to confo rm lo mom's
and dad 's rul es. During these times
no other fo rm of discipline is as im–
m edia tely effective as spanking.
Spa nking is no t to be confused
with th e sick. psychotic practice o f
child beating. The two have no thing
wha tsoever in common. Neither is
spa nking (or, more formally. corpo–
ral puni shmc nt) a last resort to be
a ppli e d o nl y a fter yo u b av e
shouted . screamed. cried. begged.
nagged , deprived or stood the child
in th e corne r. Spa nking should be a
positi ve act. a nd the child must rec–
ognize bis infraction a nd hopefully
be sorry he committed the offense.
lt
should be a de terrent to de–
fiance, re bellion, willfulness and ha–
tred. Spanking pa infully teaches
tha t s uch emoti ons, when expressed,
a uLOma tically lea d to punishment.
In addi tion . spa nking teaches fo r–
g iveness. And her e is a most impor–
ta n! po int :
Never refuse a punished
chi/d the /ove and reassurance he
wants ajfer spanking.
Cuddle
him
and explain why he was punished
a nd how to avoid it next time. With–
out tha t corre ponding express ion of
!ove. spanking is merely hi tting - a
negat ive influence. As younger chil–
d ren grow in lheir love and res pect
for you and rca li ze the boundari es
of conduct you have es tabJished.
spanking should become an infre–
quent punishment.
By the time a child becomes an
ado lescent. spanking should no t be
necessary a t a ll. Most teen-agers
despera te ly want to be thought o f as
adults a nd d eeply resent be ing
treated as sma ll children. Spa nking
them is v iewed as the ultimate in–
sult. Other forms of discipl ine may
be more effecti ve - loss o f priv i–
leges, curfews, etc.
lnvaluable Benefits
One of thc mos t posit ive bene fi ts
of intelligent corpora l punishment is
that it helps build a child's self–
es teem. Self-es teem is not synony–
mous wi th van ity. lt means proper
self-con fidence a nd a lack of inferi–
ority fee lings which cripple adu lt
chances fo r success a nd ha ppiness.
An interes ting study ca rried out
by Dr. Sta nley Coopersmit h, associ–
a te professor of psycho logy a l the
University of Ca li fo rni a. bore this
out. That tudy included 1.738 nor–
ma l. middle-class boys and their
famil ies, begi nnin g in lh e pre–
a do lescent period a nd following
them through young manhood. Af–
ter ide ntifying those boys havi ng t he
highest levels of self-es teem. he
compared th ei r bornes and child–
hood infl uences with those havi ng a
lower sense of se lf-worth.
He found tha t the most successful
boy . those with the highest levels of
self-esteem. were definit ely mo re
loved a nd a pprecia ted at home than
were the low-es tcem boys. T he pa–
renta l !ove was genuine, not merely
ver ba l. And their parcnts were gen–
e ra lly mo re strict in their a pproach
to discipl ine.
By cont rast. the pa rents of the
low-esteem group crea ted insecuri ty
an d de pendence by their permis–
siveness. Thei r childrcn felt rule of
conduct were no t enforced because
no one rea lly cared about them.
Fur thermore, the most successfu l
and independent young men were
found to have come from homes de–
manding t he st rictes t accountability
and respons ibility - bu t decidedly
no t in a repress ive atmos phere.
T heir homes were cha racterized by
PLAIN TRUTH December 1974