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can learn (¡:om my parents"
about sex. Also, 54% ofthe boys and
47% of the girls felt that "very few
adults really understand teen-agers"
(ibid.,
p.
122).
Responsive Parents Are
Needed
One consequence of the extreme
lack of parent-child communication
has been the rise of peer culture or
"Teen-age Tyranny," as one author
has called it. Finding such needs as
love, understanding and encour–
agement unfulfilled at borne, teen–
agers have turned to other teen–
agers for emotional buttressing. Par–
ents can at least partially reverse
this alarming trend if they will begin
building a stable and lasting rela–
tionship with their children.
In concluding the section of the
influence ofthe family on tbe sexual
knowledge of tbe teen-ager ,
Schofield remarked, "In particular
the interest and concern of the par–
ents for their teen-age children and
the
amount of time they spend to–
gether,
aU seem to be important in–
tluences on the sexual development
of the adolescent"
(ibid.,
p. 150).
How to Build a Relationship
Family-life experts give many
ways to build such a relationship.
We can sum up a number of tbese
ways in three points.
If
practiced
regularly, they will ensure a strong
bond of communication between
parents and children.
Begin to build a solid relationship
early.
What parents do with their
children in the early years has a
telling mark on the building of a
stable teen-age relationsbip. It may
well be too late to start building
communication when the son or
daughter is age 17, if there has been
a confidence gap since the early years.
Few relationships can remain neu–
tral. They either grow or disinte–
grate.
Love and respect rather than raw
fear must be the basis of family
unity. Parents should pay special at–
tention to the things which will
16
build confidence between them and
their children. The simple act of lis–
tening to your children's daily needs
will cause a bond of love to be
forged. "Children and young
people," says Dubbé, "do have a
genuine need and wish to talk about
things with parents - both fathers
and mothers - even when they say
they have no such need."
Of course, moral training is an
important part of a cbjld's educa–
tion . But i t must be handled
properly, by word and example
throughout the child's life.
Then
when the teen-age years arrive, a
solid base of respect and under–
standing will be available as a refer–
ence point for right behavior.
That such a base no longer exists
was evident in one survey of Ameri–
can youths done for CBS News by
Daniel Yankelovich, Inc. Among
the questions was the following:
"Do you feel premarital sexual rela–
tions are morally wrong?" Approxi–
mately 74%of the parents of college
youths said
yes;
only 34% of the
college students said
yes.
There is
obviously great disagreement in this
vital area alone.
In fact, many parents are not cer–
tain there should be any standard of
conduct. Yet there are basic reasons
why moral standards are impera–
tive. ( I f you are interested in
understanding what moral code is
necessary and why, write for a free
copy of our book,
The Missing Di–
mension in Sex.)
Teaching behaviorai standards is
important, but this is merely one
aspect of a total relationship.
Human beings need love and un–
derstanding. At no time is this need
more urgent than in childhood and
during teen-age.
Learn to spot your child's need for
understanding.
One father related
how he noted something unusual
with his six-year-old daughter's be–
bavior one morning. She was mop–
ing around with a dolefullook. The
easier course of action would have
been eitber to disregard her or to
order, "Stop walking around like a
zombie."
Being involved in something else,
he had to force himself to take the
time to find out what was wrong. He
began to pay attention to her and
play with her. In a short time, she
volunteered, "Daddy, I'm sad be–
cause...." He doesn' t even remem–
ber what her problem was . It
probably wasn't too important when
compared with the universe. But to
her it was important. Talking about
it to Daddy helped her. Hopefully,
it welded another link in a relation–
ship between her and her parents.
Don't treat teen-agers like litt/e
children.
Parents, secure in their
own m.arriage and experience, often
fail to understand the great in–
security of teen-age. To teen-agers,
the knowledge that in a few years
they will have to cut their apron
strings and fend for themselves in
an often harsh and cruel world can
be frightening. Also during teen–
age, strong sexual desires and inter–
ests are awakening. These and other
problems make teen-age time a
volatile period. For girls especially,
the problem of future marriage, sex
and relationships to boys begins to
Ioom large.
If parents turn off their teen-agers
in this troubled time of life, they will
be forcing them into a reliance on
their peers. The teen-ager is at a
critica! juncture in his life. Areas of
agreement and encouragement
must
be found.
Stormy m.atters - and sex
is one of the stormiest - might even
call for competent and respected
outsiders who can bring their expe–
rience to bear on the problem.
Parents, feeling the grave respon–
sibility of rearing their teen-agers,
can easily become angry out of a
genuine fear and concern. But emo–
tional storms can open already
wounded areas.
Whatever is done should contrib–
ute to greater communication be–
tween parents and cbildren. In an
age of uncertainty and discon–
tinuity, closer parent-child relations
are more needed than ever.
O
PLAIN TRUTH
June
1973