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away from myself. It amazes me that I could have acted that way,
Dad; me, Garner Ted Armstrong, who has preached over and over
again in piercing clarity about all the vagaries and deceit in
human nature; who has been able, with God's Holy Spirit, to
graphically describe the very course my own rotten nature so
recently took. It also proves to me that I alone would not have
reacted that way; that I was being heavily influenced, even
though I did deny it to myself, and to others, at the time. I
have acted like a mindless criminal; like an enraged beast; like
someone bent on destruction, and on hurting, and tearing down.
I can't understand it myself, and yet I do understand in part,
just WHO (Satan) was influencing me, and why. David said, 'It
is good for me that I have been afflicted,' and I can say the
same thing, Dad. I must confess I rebelled at first, when
meeting you at Penticton...(where I stopped him from further
preaching). I had kidded myself (with help, no doubt, from evil
influence -- Satan) that I could put everything away from myself,
and that things would work out in the long run -- yet, in my
deepest feelings, I was clinging to a false and inordinate hope.
You knew it, even though I denied it to myself.
~I'm asking, though I know I don't deserve it, for
forgiveness for EVERYTHING, Dad, from the sins to the way I
reacted to you, to the fact that (forgive me!) I even rebelled
AFTER being sent away, and drew back into black and depressed
attitudes. Is there any need for me to tell you how deeply
terrified I am when I think of the endless, horrible DAMAGE
and DESTRUCTION I almost wrought? I refer to scandal, the
newspapers, the hate books and our persecutors, to peoples'
lives in the Church, as well as to my own family, my own sons
(who) need the example of an upstanding, converted,
spirit-filled father.
"I know how horribly I acted, now -- and it both
frightens me terribly, as well as makes me so ashamed I wonder
if I can ever look those who know about it in the eyes again.
I have had to fight my thoughts, and continually ask God to
miraculously take thoughts away from me. Shirl and I have
talked for hours about every aspect of the situation -- and she
knows my problems. She is an amazing woman, Dad. She wants to
HELP me get over EVERY last part of my problems. She talks
calmly, understandingly.
"I ask you to forgive me, too, for the terrible pressures
and pain I have put upon you in your 80th year, and with the huge
loads you must carry, and enormous responsibilities. I who should
have been foremost in HELPING you, and in HOLDING UP YOUR HANDS,
have had to be the worst agony, the most hideous problem to you
of all. Human forgiveness could never overlook that, Dad -- that's
another proof that God is using you, and that HE gives you your
attitudes, and the forgiveness you have already held out to me.
"I hope God will continue to deal with me, and that He
has not cast me away from His presence; that I can yet, somehow,
find space for forgiveness for all that I am. With deepest love
and respect, your son, Ted."